There are reports in the news about recent studies of relationships in America. One headline is: “Why are people no longer hanging out?” Other studies are more focused: “Why is it that men have no friends?”
Notice that both of these reviews begin with a question, “Why?” as if this was a problem. It is, but I don’t know what to do about it. The great success of sitcoms like “Cheers,” “Seinfeld,” and “Friends” reveals something that we long for, but lack in our lives. That is, a set of friends in frequent contact who share their problems and work out their solutions together.
Why don’t we have what we seem to long for? Perhaps it can be chalked up to something called ‘individualism’ which grows with each new version of the cell phone. We have a thousand casual contacts, but few enduring friendships.
Perhaps it can be attributed to our lifestyle which seems to be shaped largely by our economic system. What American corporate capitalism needs is detachable, moveable, recyclable workers, and that is what we have: one ‘friend’ in Seattle, another ‘friend’ in Austin, a divorced spouse in Boston, and a child living somewhere in Atlanta…while we ourselves recently had to move to Denver because that is where our job took us. All of this puts a severe strain on maintaining enduring relationships.
When I was a child, we lived on our family farm on Hwy 69 just south of Copperline Road, in southwest Indiana. The 38th parallel runs right through our farm. Within a mile from us were the house of an aunt and uncle, four houses belonging to cousins, and two houses of friends of the family. I grew up in that environment where relatives and other neighbors attended church together, went to school together, and formed work parties (for example, for wheat threshing in June, making hay in August, and butchering hogs in February). We moved to Pittsburgh in 1953, and I went to St. Paul for college in 1962; as I grew up, various centrifugal forces spun me away from each circle of family and friends. That’s the way my life has been, and the way many American lives seem to be. What are we missing?
27: 5-6. Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
Well meant are the wounds a friend inflicts,
but profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
We come here to one of my favorite passages. As a stand-alone, verse 5 looks odd. But, combined with verse 6, the theme emerges. The word for “better” is common in the proverbs, which often compare what is “good” and what is “bad.” Better is the word tov that we might recognize from mazel tov, a blessing and prayer for “good fortune” for newly weds and others.
“Open rebuke” sounds harsh, but the Hebrew word just means ‘correction’ or ‘reproof’. When it is ‘open’, it is better even than ‘hidden’ love which never is expressed. Thus, it is better to be corrected in love than to be permitted to make mistakes or offend people. The one who really loves us would never let us get away with obnoxious behavior.
That is the sense of verse 6. The word for ‘well meaning’ can be translated as ‘faithful’ or ‘trustworthy’, with the notion of ‘lasting’ or ‘enduring’. The point is that a true friend will not let you become a fool or a fiend. Painful as it might be, a friend will speak the truth in love.
In my academic life, there have been times when a teacher read my work, or I proactively asked a friend to review something for me. Once, an advisor handed a paper back to me with only a check-mark on it. I found another advisor. When a friend just says, “That’s good,” then I look for a new friend. What good are friends if they will not critique what I say and how I act?
But, how about enemies? The word for ‘profuse’ can mean ‘gushing’, ‘excessive’, ‘deceitful’, or, in today’s slang: ‘over the top’. What is more famous than the ‘kiss of Judas’? Jesus knew he was being betrayed, but said, “Friend, do what you are here to do” (Matthew 26: 50). The use of ‘friend’ is ironic, but may be intended to make Judas think one last time about his betrayal.
27: 17 Iron sharpens iron,
and one person sharpens the wits of another.
Iron struck on iron produces sparks. Iron must be shaped to be useful. A plow cuts the soil, a hoe cuts weeds, and a knife cuts steak for dinner; but not very well if the tool hasn’t been sharpened. Likewise, confirming what we read above, the careful critique of a friend sharpens the thinking of both persons.
27: 21 The crucible is for silver,
and the furnace is for gold,
so a person is tested
by being praised.
Praise, on the other hand, is here called a 'test'. Interesting. Too much praise puffs a person up, often way beyond what is a reasonable assessment of his achievements and personhood. I use the word ‘awesome’ sparingly, and with good reason.
Always be suspicious of someone who overdoes it by singing your praises; that person uses hyperbole because he or she has hidden intentions. Don’t let praise turn your head and don’t drop your guard on your own soul. 'Better correction from a friend than praise from an enemy'. But who has such friends as reliable critics anymore?